Care Giving

Care-taking VS Care-giving.  There are crucial differences between care-taking and care-giving and you will notice: the healthier and happier your relationship, the more you are care-giving rather than care-taking.

Care-taking and care-giving can be seen as a continuum.  We usually aren’t doing both at the same time.  The goal is to do as much care-giving as possible and to decrease care-taking.  Care-taking is a dysfunctional, learned behavior that can be changed.  We want to change so we can experience more peace, contentment, and better relationships. Intimates in your life may resist your healthier actions, but shifting to care-giving is a huge gift you are bestowing upon your loved ones. (Even when they do not see it at first)

The first step is identify loved ones that are care-taking you. (anyone in your life that you have given permission to watch over (Judge your decisions and or problems) Do you ask for opinions or advise in unhealthy ways? Do you ask or expect others to help carry your burdens, consciously or sub-consciously? Do you consistently go to the same people for help or support in a way that has allowed them to think you NEED them?. Are you giving them some control of your decisions or at least creating a dynamic of needing their wisdom instead of your own?

After you identify who is care-taking you, then ask yourself what role you play to keep that dynamic going. Care-taking is a hallmark of codependency and is rooted in insecurity and a need to be in control, or give up some responsibility or control to another.

Care-giving is an expression of kindness and love, and is based on altruistic empathy with no expectation or ego based attachment to outcome. When we truly allow autonomy the other persons success or failure is their own and should have no effect on how we feel about the help, support, and love we gave or attempted to give.

Here are some key differences between care-taking and care-giving:

• Care-taking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating.  Care-giving feels right and feels like love.  It re-energizes and inspires you.
• Care-taking crosses boundaries.  Care-giving honors them.
• Care-taking takes from the recipient or gives with strings attached; care-giving gives freely.
• Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
• Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
• Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
• Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for their selves.
• Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for their selves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner wisdom and problem solving capabilities.
• Care-taking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker.  Care-giving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
• Caretakers tend to attract needy people.  Caregivers tend to attract healthy people.  (Hint:  We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
• Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
• Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
• Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
• Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their care-taking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
• Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.

As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step.  Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum.  It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.

Remove yourself from being taken care of in kind ways, and learn to accept care-giving instead. (This may be from new intimates or from shifting existing relationships)

Become a Caregiver yourself. Give freely non-attached to outcome. Guide don’t direct, and ask questions to help others discover their inner wisdom instead of assuming they need your profound wisdom.

Traveling from co-dependency to independency and then hopefully to interdependency in our relationships is difficult but not impossible. We all are entangled and connected. We all need to support and love and be supported and loved as we move through challenges and seasons in our lives.

Happy Care-giving;-) !!!!

A Glass “Half Full”

It’s all about choosing our attitude! Each and every day, or part of a day, we have the ability to consciously choose our attitude and the mindset with which we approach the remainder of that day. How do you approach your day, your life?

Are you one who acknowledges your accomplishments and celebrates along the way? Or do you only see a long “To Do” list that grows daily?

Do you focus on “The Gap” that is in between you and where you want to ultimately be? Or do you turn around and see the great progress made so far on your path to your desires?
Do you leverage and grow your strengths, or lament your weaknesses? Do you recognize challenges, evaluate their impact and determine a strategy or solution or do you spend your emotional and energy bank account compulsively in worry and anxiousness over issues you cannot control.

Take a moment and think about yourself in these circumstances. If you resonated with the first half of each question, you see the glass as half full. Congratulations! You are on your way to success and proactive positivism, not only your own, but probably that of your team and or family as well. If like many of us, you find yourself connecting to the second half of some of the questions, you see the glass as half empty, at least part of the time and are possibly struggling with expectations and attitude adjustment.

The Challenge :You have created or been given a plan to accomplish a complex goal or project. There are numerous steps in the plan with time lines and deadlines to meet. There is information you have to discover or processes you have to learn in order to move forward. In order to carry out the plan: a combination of organization, management and both personal & team building skills are required. The final result depends not only on your creativity, vision & brilliance but also upon written as well as oral communication skills. There are several people or teams of people upon whom you have to rely in order to complete the project or meet the goal. You will bump into stumbling blocks along the path to fruition. You will have to re-think some parts of the strategy; brainstorm and make changes to insure the project is accomplished with the most efficient methods and in a timely manner. This scenario applies to the most complicated business start-up project or growing a family and running a household on a budget.

Now: Choose Your Attitude!
Accomplishments vs. Overwhelming “To Dos” Half Full: Within your plan, you set smaller goals and celebrate each one with your self or your team as you accomplish them. This choice renews your energy and enthusiasm to continue the project and highlights your momentum, dwells on completions and builds your team. Half Empty: Get caught up in the bigger goal, the deadlines and the unknown information. Dwell on what is not done and the growing list of tasks at hand. This attitude saps your energy, paralyzes a team and causes procrastination to flourish.
Leverage Strengths vs. Lament Weaknesses Half Full: Discuss or review the tasks at hand. Determine what tools, skills and talents are required to accomplish them. Distribute the tasks according to the strengths of your team. If you are your own entity, attack the tasks that your strengths speak to and look for ways to delegate or barter to accomplish the rest. If those methods do not work, brainstorm an alternative method to accomplish the task that honors your strengths. This choice creates synergy, builds self-esteem and maintains the project’s momentum towards its goal. Half Empty: Discover all of the tasks that cannot be accomplished by the team at hand and allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the impossibility of it all. Dwell on your personal weaknesses or those of your team. Continually second-guess decisions and work quality. If being stuck is your goal, these attitude choices will insure the hardening of the cement!

Recognize A Challenge vs. Compulsive Emotion/Energy Expense Half Full: A stumbling block/problem arises that is out of your control; you take a deep breath and see it as a challenge. You review the issues and determine the severity of the block, and its impact on the project. Along with your team, you discover the best strategy to minimize any negative impact and overcome the challenge. You create a method or procedure to insure the challenge does not arise again. This choice costs a few steps back and a reevaluation of the time line but you move on and past it with a sigh and possibly a stronger team! Half Empty: The same block arises; you allow yourself to view it emotionally as an insurmountable catastrophe. You expend an immense amount of energy worrying about the possible impacts, the potential losses and how people will respond to it. You assume the worst and are sure the project is doomed to failure and you will lose face or your job. You lose sleep over the problem and become anxious and unable to think clearly. Your lack of clarity causes you to compound the problem, creating a worse dilemma. With this attitude, you lose it!
The Coaching Challenge :What attitude do you choose? Do you react or do you respond to the world around you? My challenge to you is to become aware of your attitude choices. Notice when your attitude is slipping or ask a trusted friend or partner or coach to gently help you see the times your choice is leaning towards the half empty. Ask yourself questions about your negative reaction. What is the payback? Once you have developed awareness and determined the payoff, look at possibilities and the paybacks for responding with a positive attitude. Remember, whatever you decide, your attitude is always your choice!

Respond don’t React.
Better Choices, Better Results!

Namaste
Kevin Brough

http://www.visionlogic.net